T and I were grappling the other day, which you would think I would be really good at, since I have a brown belt in ju jitsu. He overpowered me in no time flat, and then proceeded to amuse himself by pushing and pulling my body in strange contortions while I struggled full tilt to get free.

I couldn’t do it. God, I love a man who is stronger than me. In fact, my sig line for a very long time read ~ Meet my strength with more of your own ~ and I didn’t just mean physically. I need a man who I feel is quicker, smarter, and stronger than I am and having the spontaneous hands on demonstration was really hot.

I find it interesting that I have a need for a Dom who can overpower me, since it is not part of my submissive makeup to fight back. I am extremely obedient when feeling submissive and would never dream of making a Dom fight to get me into the position he wanted or into bondage. Part of my kink is allowing myself to be compliant to such things, knowing where the play is headed and that it is most likely going to hurt.

Although that said, I long for a good beating. Actually, even as I type that I am realizing that it’s not so surprising. I was feeling very gunshy after a couple of scenes that I had been a part of, for various reasons but mostly not feeling safe emotionally. I felt extremely vulnerable and felt that the person who was hurting me was not going to (and in fact did not) take care of me emotionally afterwards. I have felt scared to allow myself to receive the type of pain that I need to get to subspace because I do get emotionally needy directly afterwards. Yes, I’ve learned that I won’t fall apart if I get a “peace out” and the door closing after a scene but it also does not do good things to me.

And now, with T, I feel comfortable and protected. I feel that he takes my well being into consideration before making decisions. He likes to cuddle me. <– That’s huge. I hadn’t really been cuddled (or kissed!) for a loooong time before meeting him. I feel a great amount of trust is being built and consequently, I am starting to get my masochistic urges back. Unfortunately, the pain tolerance is nowhere near what it was, but hopefully with a little practise it will come back.

I have asked T for a beating on Saturday because I have my last final that day and it will be a great stress relief for me before we go out to Vipe’s birthday party. Perhaps that will be the breakthrough beating to get me free from my free of loss of control. That has been a part of the problem – I get so emotionally tangled up that I start to struggle internally with what is going on and hence cannot process the pain. But even when he was hitting me with the single tail for the first time I was able to relax into it and while enjoy is not exactly the right term, I was able to process and accept.

I want some thuddy stuff for Saturday. I need to do some thinking of the toys he has and maybe make a special request for certain things. I love the fact that this is not a high protocol relationship so I am free to say “Hey, could you bring the X on Saturday?” and I won’t get smacked for impertinence. Yay for that.

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