Labels confuse me. I have decided that I don’t like them, and will no longer use them internally with myself. I know that they had use and meaning out in the world where during interactions with others it may make things simpler but … they don’t fit.
Take heterosexuality. I have always considered myself to be straight. Even starting to explore my sexuality with my submissive and masochistic sides I hadn’t considered the possibility that something that I thought was at my core of being could be wrong.
I remember one of my best guy friends, when I was telling him about my BDSM adventures last summer, asking me how it’s possible that I have never wanted to “get it on” with another girl. I was almost disgusted at the thought. I had my usual response in that I enjoy looking at naked women but haven’t ever had the desire to touch one.
And then, I met a woman who was the first woman to flirt with me. And she’s funny and intelligent and hot as all hell and my thoughts have started to change. I dunno that I ever would do anything with her, and especially not now because T and I are monogomous, but the sexual tension simmers under the surface.
The amazing thing is that I love it. The energy between myself and another woman is totally different than that between myself and a man. Since realizing this I have been open to flirting with other women and it has me questioning whether I want to do more than just flirt. Do I want to “get it on”, as my buddy so eloquently put it?
And what is so ridiculous about the whole thing is not the idea of doing it, but whether that means I have to change my label. Does one experience mean I’m bisexual? What if I like it but just as an occasional thing, and I’m predominantly hetero? There aren’t enough words in the English language and the words we do have are not precise enough to describe me, and even if they were, who knows but that I might change tomorrow?
The same goes for submissive. I used to say on my profile that I am submissive with slave tendencies. Now I’m in a relationship where I am what people on the outside would call a bedroom-submissive or a bottom but again, I do not feel that those fit. They do not describe me, or the dynamic in my relationship. They are empty words that help others to bridge the gap into my psyche and quite frankly, I don’t want to have to help others into my mind anymore.
Labels are gone. I don’t want to spend my life in little boxes that I put myself into, afraid to try something new because it doesn’t fit into what I had previously decided was me. There’s enough of that on governmental forms – I am not doing it in my head any longer.
I am me, and that is just going to have to be good enough for everyone else.