Head banging on wall

From another thread at b.com, about whether Dominates (sic) see submissives as actual people or only objects to be used. (And that in and of itself deserves a WTF???)

Vorpal bunny quoted Pat Califia as saying: “Perhaps this is because I cannot see a bottom who never switches as my equal, although it’s politically incorrect to say so. In my heart of hearts, I do not believe that such people are grownups. I think they are lazy, self-centered, and incomplete — and untrustworthy, to boot.
Reference: http://www.goodvibes.com/Content.aspx?id=1460&leftMenu=35&lr=y

Her addition to the quote: “And yanno, I agree. I think a lot of tops view full time bottom types this way.”

My response to her: I’m very thankful to say that none of the Tops I know, whether I have played with them or not, share this point of view. Just because someone is wired as a bottom they are lazy and self-centred? To me that is exactly the same as any other kind of discrimination.


I am boggled that there are people out there who think this. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but if you are the type of person who likes to hurt others, don’t you require that there be bottoms in the world that allow you to hurt them? Isn’t it a reciprocal relationship where both parties are getting what they want out of the situation? I know for myself that I would rather not play than play with someone who isn’t into it. I want my partner to walk away from a scene with me feeling the same high that I am on. Selfish and self-centred? OMG here’s some lube GO FUCK YOURSELF!!

head. banging. on. wall. repeatedly.

Someone needs to make me stop going to b.com. Seriously.

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6 Responses to Head banging on wall

  1. arwenoid says:

    Yeah, that’s pretty obscene. I’ve played with some bottoms who are … willing to try, but if they’re not getting off on it, what’s the point? And anyone who thinks that bottoms are lazy either hasn’t played with the same bottoms I have, or isn’t a very good top.

    Don’t get me wrong — topping, planning out a scene, all that fun stuff is hard work. But as I’m slowly learning, so is bottoming. 🙂 Topping is just as much about receiving as bottoming. I don’t do it for my bottom’s pleasure (well, not completely) … I do it for MINE.

    I suppose that makes me selfish and self-centered. But not lazy, though. 😉

    • Erin says:

      Exactly. I would think that someone uneducated about SM would think that the Top is self-centred and selfish because they get to do whatever they want. Except that part of the reason I love to bottom is for precisely that reason – I don’t have to plan or do any physical work so that could make me selfish and self-centred. It seemed like such an ignorant remark and part of why it struck a nerve is because I know that Vorpal Bunny is very experienced in the scene. But then, maybe she just found that the shoe fit…?

      And anyone who hasn’t bottomed and thinks that it isn’t work – just try it. With a real sadist. I double dog dare ya.

  2. dekucat says:

    I’m lazy and self-centered, but not because I’m submissive. I think it has more to do with being a marmot.

    But seriously, that mindset is pretty limited. Reminds me of some of the (not-all-that) outdated crap about women not being equal because of their inherent weakness.

  3. starra74 says:

    “I don’t know if I’m a bottom because it turns me on, or if I’m a bottom because I’m just lazy.” – Margaret Cho.

    I’m more of a time and place kind of bottom. Sometimes ya gotta go with the submissive flow, and sometimes you got to come out all aggressive. But that has more to do with my *real* life and not my sex life.

    I find that a lot of people, especially the ones into heavy(er) D&S have a hard time distinguishing between those too.

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