I is broken, again

Clearly the problem is that I think that I have a body that is capable of feeling good. The last time I was at Purple Dragon and thought to myself how good I felt and how good the movements were feeling was the day I rolled my ankle really badly. Last night I was feeling good, feeling loose, and I thought to myself how good I felt. Then I thought, “The last time you thought that, you rolled your ankle. Be careful!”

Fast forward one minute: I’m doing roundhouse kicks on the pad. I do the first one – good. Second one – good. Third one – knee feels a little funny. I thought I could walk it off but quickly had to sit down because it was starting to hurt a lot. I was breathing hard, trying not cry, thinking WTF???? Why do I always break??

Sensei got two of the guys to be human crutches for me and I moved into the office so I could talk to Jessy and just hang out. So long as I kept my leg bent and supported under my knee with both hands, it felt fine. If I tried to straighten it out, it hurt. It’s my right knee of course, so I couldn’t drive. I had Jessy call my Dad and ask him to come pick me up.

The entire family showed up about 45 minutes later. Paul came to drive my car home, and Mum came because Dad didn’t tell her how I had injured myself and she decided that she would rather come than sit at home and worry.

Dad and I were in his car; Mum and Paul were in mine. Dad turned the opposite way from the way that I go, and I asked him if he was taking me somewhere unexpected. He said, “No, I would never do that!” We exchanged a glance and I realized that the past never really goes away – we just pretend that it’s gone. I know that no one who reads that will understand the reference but that’s okay. That part is for my memories.

Dad decided that it would be a good idea to go to Emergency to get my knee looked at because he pointed out that it might be something worse than a hyper-extension, which is what I was assuming it was. His example was hockey players who get injuries on their knees … ADL maybe? Some kind of letter combination. That kind of freaked me out because so far I had just been assuming that I was going to be fine.

Paul dropped Mum off at home and then joined us at the hospital. I was sitting in a wheelchair, rolling myself up and down and pretending to parallel park myself beside the internet machine. I was so hungry but I wasn’t allowed to eat anything in case I would need surgery. Then this couple brought Thai food into the Emerg waiting room and proceeded to eat it. I thought that was really tacky. I can see eating something that doesn’t have an aroma, but Thai food? I wanted to roll my wheelchair over to them and do a drive-by food snatching!

The nurse called my name after not too long … maybe a 20 minute wait. She decided that pushing my wheelchair wasn’t part of her duties, I guess, so I swerved and bumped along after her to the room with the beds. I hauled my ass out of the chair onto the bed and had her crank up that back of it so I was sitting upright. It was the only position that didn’t put any strain on my knee. I was still holding it underneath and supporting it. I could feel the muscles in my hamstring wanted to cramp but I thought to it, “If you do that, I can’t do anything to help you, so just relax!” Strangely enough it worked. No cramp.

The nurse took my information, then the doctor came and looked at me briefly. He took my foot and started to pull my leg straight without actually knowing what was wrong yet. I stopped him pretty quickly, believe me! He said that they were going to send me for x-rays to check for fractures. Paul and I sent Dad home because he was exhausted and Paul offered to stay and take me home.

The x-ray technician came and rolled me away in my bed to the x-ray room. Unfortunately I had to straighten my leg for the machine to get the right angle. And I had to move my hands. I straightened as much as I could which was still about a 45 degree angle but my muscles had to hold my leg in that position. The technician was asking me questions to try to distract me, I suppose, but it wasn’t working. All I wanted to focus on was my breathing. It’s like when a Top wants to ask questions and make me talk – all it ever does is pull me out of headspace. So I lay there, crying and breathing, thinking that being a masochist does have it’s perks. I know my body’s reaction to pain; I know how to breathe to ride it out; I know that I can control my response.

The technician very nicely told me that there were no obvious fractures that he could see. He said that technically they are not supposed to say anything to the patient and we have to wait for the doctor but since it could take half an hour or more for the doctor to get back around to me, the technician didn’t want me to worry. As it turned out, the doctor came around about five minutes later, told me the same thing, and said that they were going to give me some morphine and send me home. He said that it was a “locked knee” (yeah duh I could have told them that *lol*) and that the morphine would allow me to sleep and for my muscles to relax which allow for my knee to unlock. If I still couldn’t straighten it out by 9am the next morning I was told to come back to Emerg and I would most likely get cut open so they could see what was going on.

Paul and I got pizza because I was so hungry at this point. Luckily I knew that Teri, my upstairs housemate, has crutches, so I was able to hobble my way into the house and onto the couch. We chowed down while watching the Simpson and Scrubs, which I did not know was on at 11:30 every night! Yay!

Paul helped me get organized with everything I needed in my bedroom – pillows to prop my knee up, water, drugs, computer, and phones. I had taken one of the morphine pills before he left because I’ve never had a painkiller that strong before and I was a little scared of how I would react. It’s weird – I don’t really think it did that much. I mean, I fell asleep pretty quickly, but my knee was still hurting. I woke up at 2 and it was still hurting when I tried to change positions. I woke up at 3:30 and I would have taken some Ibuprofen but I didn’t know where it was – as it turned out, it was beside my bed as I realized this morning! The nurse had told me that if the morphine didn’t last for the 6-8 hours, I could supplement with Tylenol or Advil. The morphine pills = 5 mg. Supplemental if needed = 500 mg Tylenol, 400-600 mg Advil. Goes to show the difference in strength, hey? Anyway, like I said, I don’t know how much the morphine did, although I was able to sleep so maybe it was just subtle.

I woke up this morning and could straighten my leg – yay! I can walk, albeit slowly and somewhat awkwardly because I can’t twist the knee at all. I am currently lying on the couch with both legs propped up on large cushions because that is the only position where both the joint and my muscles feel relaxed. My leg muscles are really sore though, and my back, and my neck for that matter! No wonder people in chronic pain have pain in all other parts of their body.

I’ve taken the day off school today. I have an essay due tomorrow that I had planned to finish last night, so I will finish that today and hobble my way up to school tomorrow to turn it in. I don’t have my car at my house because my brother took it home last night so I’m house-bound anyway. I think I’m going to have to watch the hockey game alone tonight which is sad. It’s just not the same without

and Mark. Unless I feel a whole lot better and somehow get my wheels back, I’ll be couch-surfing for the rest of the day.

So that’s the story. Not nearly so bad as it could have been, but still bad enough!

Thanks for the hugs and get better messages! *smoochies*

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13 Responses to I is broken, again

  1. arwenoid says:

    Damnit, Erin, stop breaking yourself! We need you whole. 🙂

  2. aka_eve says:

    *Big hugs* So glad to hear you’re able to walk today! Take care of yourself and don’t rush back in to activity any time soon ok? Be sure to give your knee the time it needs to heal, knee injuries have an annouying tendency to persist if not given a chance to fully recover. *hugs again*

    • Erin says:

      Oh yeah! No martial arts for me for the next while! So frustrating because I was looking forward to training hard for the couple weeks I have off school before going away to Prague. Now, I just need to be 100% for Europe.

  3. allyie says:

    “. His example was hockey players who get injuries on their knees … ADL maybe? “
    Anterior Cruciate Ligament.
    It is what I tore last August, and was on crutches until halloween.
    I have an ugly ass scar, and I mean HIDEOUS. but it doesnt bother me.
    tearing your ACL is REALLYREALLYREALLYREALLY common.
    So be careful with it.
    When i tore mine, I tore it, a SHITLOAD of cartilidge and part of my meniscus.
    So be careful.
    It’s not the end of the world or anything, but tearing it does put you on crutches for a while, you’ll have a limp if you don’t do P.T. and you can get an infection(which i got…and was hospitalized for 5 days…)
    so yeah.
    when i read you fucked up your knee, i was like..*CLUTCHES KNEE* GOOD LUCK

    • Erin says:

      Thanks sweetie. Luckily it’s not as bad as that but I will be careful with it for a while so it doesn’t rip while it’s recovering.

  4. peechie1980 says:

    Hmm. I live above Purple Dragon. I can hear the “kee-yi” faintly through the bathroom floors. Strange to think I may sorta know one of the voices….

  5. boundkitty8 says:

    Oh poor you!!! You gotta take ‘er easy buddy…don’t wanna fuck your knee up – been there done that and it ain’t fun!

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