The old into the new

More was lost in Glenn’s death than just that wonderful person.

Maybe it’s selfish and self-absorbed for me to count the things that I have lost from his passing that don’t include him. It makes it all about me, in a sense. But that’s what this blog is about, and knowing Glenn the way I did, I don’t think he’d be upset.

I was almost crying again today, thinking of him. The almost crying where you can let yourself go and have a crying fit or you can get yourself under control and not. Since I was on my way out to dinner, I chose not, but I was still a little sniffley.

Blythe and I have not spoken since she told me about Glenn. I have no desire to speak to her, but she was a part of my life for five years – it’s hard to let go completely without feeling some nostalgia or regret for the way things turned out.

I wrote an email tonight that severed another tie that was just tenuously hanging on. Alan, the third part of the trio – I emailed him to let him know about Glenn’s death and I included my phone number, saying that I’d love to get together to reminisce about Glenn. He responded within a day and said that he hadn’t heard, thanked me for letting him know, and said he would be in touch soon to meet up. I haven’t heard from him since. I wrote to him tonight and said that I was surprised that he was still pulling the same shit, that I am not the person I was four years ago who would take it lying down, and that the only reason I contacted him was because of Glenn. If he wants to be an asshole, I no longer care and am closing this chapter of my life completely.

This chapter … it holds a lot of who I am, now. And yet I can barely bring myself to read any journal entries from this period because they make me cringe. I don’t like the person that I see reflected off the pages. I know that if I hadn’t had those experiences, I wouldn’t be who I am, and I like and am comfortable with who I am now, but still … that person. I want to go back to those years and simultaneously give myself a shake and a hug and tell myself that things do get better. Instead, I’m contemplating getting rid off all those journals. I have a locked box that holds my journals from when I was an angst ridden teenager and while I am content to let them sit on their box, a part of my history that I can touch and hold whenever I want, the thought of anyone else reading them if I were gone makes me extremely uncomfortable.

So the passing of Glenn brings me to the passing of my old self into the new, and I am finding the courage to let that past go. I would never have written that email to Alan, before. I would have run after Blythe, wanting another chance. But I am not that person anymore, and I go forth into this new chapter wondering what it holds, and whether I will be looking back in another five years, cringing at the person I am now.

I hope not.

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6 Responses to The old into the new

  1. ysworld says:

    Journals

    I just recently shredded a few chapters of my life, it took a while for me to look at letters and cards and notes from a person from my past. I actually had to give them to some one I trusted so they were not there for me to read, as it just opened wounds and never let me heal.

    I had them returned a few weeks back, funny I had forgotten about them, it had been many years ago. When I looked through the words, briefly, I knew that I had moved away from them and felt good to shred that part of my life.

    My thoughts are with you…!

    • Erin says:

      Re: Journals

      I think it will feel good to shred that stuff … it’s just finding the courage to physically let it all go. Maybe that can be my Christmas project, along with decluttering the last corner and closet of my house.

  2. arwenoid says:

    I read somewhere, and I think this is true…

    Journalling is very healthy and can help you through a lot of things, and has nothing but benefits.

    Reading old journals is very *unhealthy*, and has nothing but detriments. 🙂

    Annoyingly, half of mine (from Nov 2002 onward) are still online. I try not to read through the archives. 🙂

    • Erin says:

      Sounds about right. Blogging, for me, is more a space where I keep track of things I’ve done, not an emotional journal, so I enjoy reading my archives. But the emotional stuff from the past needs to go so I’m not tempted to read and relive that life.

  3. watrmlon says:

    I will be walking through the woods and tears will start again and it’s been quite a while since my loss of my cousin. I agree sometimes you have to remove negative people from your life. That’s the only way i can de-stress is by moving on and if that includes leaving somethings and some people behind that so be it.

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