The Professor, the highest ranking black belt and founder of my system, flew into Vancouver tonight for the bi-annual grading next week. There was the usual crowd to meet him at the airport but I decided that would be too much for me, so I skipped it and went straight to restaurant where everyone joined me.
I haven’t seen everyone from the dojo since about two weeks after I hurt my knee. I haven’t wanted to go because it depresses me to think that I am not going to Trinidad this year for my own black belt grading. I wasn’t sure if I could stand watching those who are still going, watching their excitement grow as the day gets closer. I wasn’t sure if I would want to watch everyone else doing something that I love but am unable to do.
It’s been a balancing act, and will continue to be, with the one side not wanting to get depressed by watching others and the other side wanting to take in some of the positive energy for myself. So far, the depressed bit has been winning. (Who’s surprised? Yeah, me neither.) But everyone was so happy to see me tonight – giving me big hugs and telling me that they missed me – that I realized I need to balance this out a little better.
Grading is Thursday and the seminar is Friday, and I have planned to go to both, to watch and support. Next thing will be to talk to Sensei about perhaps teaching one day a week and see how it goes. I think that I could teach advanced students where I don’t have to demonstrate but only tweak what they are doing. The knowledge is still in my head; it’s just that the body can’t show it.
It will be hard to commit to this – I am so exhausted from people when I get home from work that I mostly do not even answer my phone if it rings – but I am hopeful that it may combat some of the anxiety. I need it to be as non-threatening as possible, and while Sensei was not really understanding when I tried to explain my depression before, I am going to try again.