idle musings

About a month ago, I talked to my pharmacist about these wonky feelings I have been having. I wondered if they were a bad side effect of my medication, or just one that I have to deal with. I had trouble explaining what I felt like – best way to describe it is that my head feels wrong. Helpful, no? I couldn’t find words to convey the feeling of wonkiness, but the pharmacist listened patiently and looked up side effects in her giant book and concluded that I really should go tell my doctor about it.

Then it didn’t happen again for a while.

Until tonight. Dammit. I had been having such a relaxing day – I did some chores, got rid of some stuff from my house, got new books from the library (incidentally I hit 120 books today!), ate carbs for dinner, watched the hockey game and snoozed simultaneously, and snuggled my kitty. Felt fine. I got up off the couch about an hour ago and the feeling was back.

It’s so weird. My body is fine, although I think there is a little extra adrenaline being released because I do have a bit of the same feeling as I did when I first started my medication. But mostly, the feeling is in my head. Don’t get me wrong – it’s not ‘in my head’ as in I’m imagining it. It’s literally in my head that I feel physically wonky. It comes and goes in waves, and mostly hits when I stand up. It feels like it comes from both sides of my head, at the ears, and washes over my brain. I feel discombobulated and a little nauseous. I’m a little disconnected from reality, but in a different way than I was when I had my panic attack in Safeway. (I did not realize that there was more than one way to feel disconnected from reality, but apparently there is.)

I’ve only ever had this feeling in my house, except for the one day when I ended up having to go into work on my day off. I was already feeling this way and it continued at work as well. The wave would hit and I would feel like I wasn’t quite sure where everything was around me. The whole disconnected thing manifested in me having to clutch the counter as I walked by because I was not sure if I would walk into it or fall down from lack of balance. I haven’t ever had that at my house but I suppose that could be because I am so accustomed to where everything is that I have spacial memory? I dunno.

The point is, it had gone and now it’s back. I use Jeanie’s analogy of waves when thinking of my depression because it is so apt – some days are great, some days it hits down hard and pulls me deep in the rip tide. I guess I had fooled myself into thinking that since this wonkiness had disappeared for a time, it was gone forever, but unfortunately, not so much.

Guess I’ll be making another doctor’s appointment in my near future.