Smokin’

I dreamed about an ex of mine last night. I haven’t seen him in years; we were together when I was 15-17 years old – we’re talking an old ex. I’ve dreamed about him multiple times over the past few months. I think this means I’ll run into him soon, as I have found when exes start popping up in my mind, they start popping up in real life too.

In the same dream, I was smoking. I did smoke during those years we were together, but it wasn’t like that. It was as if it were now, and I had quit for ages (two years pretty much now) but I started again. It was really vivid – I remember the feeling of drawing in the smoke and releasing it out again. We were smoking regulars though, and I always smoked king size, so that was different. It was a gold package, which I know does exist but I don’t remember the brand. It wasn’t a brand I ever bought for myself. I was a DuMaurier girl for years (with the occasional Benson and Hedges Black for special occasions), then switched to Canadian Classics for a short period, then on to Craven A extra lights, then ultra lights, and then by the end I was smoking Matinee ultra lights – the lightest cigarette you could find on the market at the time.

It’s strange – I feel like I should be missing smoking after having such a vivid dream where I enjoyed it so much (a lot!) but in actuality, I’m still very glad I don’t do it anymore. Not only can I not afford it, but it’s nice to not have all the side effects (super shortness of breath, a persistent cough every winter, countless sore throats, and clothes and hair that constantly stink).

The only thing the dream made me miss was the constant intimacy of smoking with that ex. We always shared cigarettes. There was hardly ever a time when we would both have cigarettes lit at the same time, because it was a given if one of us lit up that the other one was sharing it. We passed them back and forth without a word being needed – after sex, playing pool, hanging out with friends. I miss that intimacy.

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