Not so idle musings


Bosco has 8 stitches in his neck due to a scuffle with Tansi. She has just been adopted by Tracey who adopted Quinn from me, and we were out for a walk with everyone. They got in a scuffle, Quinn jumped in and the two of them had Bosco on his back. I grabbed Maia and managed to grab Quinn and haul him off. Tracey had Tansi’s harness and was trying to drag her off but she wouldn’t let go of his neck. When she finally did and he ran over to me I couldn’t see any blood but I checked him over and found a two inch gash in his scruff. I rushed him to the vet and they had to sedate him and stitch him up.

It didn’t even occur to me until afterwards how lucky we are that this was superficial. If it had been a deeper bite she could have got his corotid or jugular and he would have bled out right there on the dyke. As it is he has been a sad conehead all week although I did let him go in the water today so that cheered him up.

I suppose with the stress and anxiety from that it’s not surprising that I have been feeling down and sad the past couple days. I have spent the last two evenings crying and wallowing in all sorts of past bad feelings and memories. At least when I ‘fall down the hole’ it’s not as deep and it doesn’t last as long as it used to. Still sucks though. I get so tired of being me, of feeling like everything is a struggle.

I remember reading somewhere that everyone has a baseline of where they fall on the happy / unhappy scale, and there is not much you can do to change your baseline. Happy people will balance out to feel happy again even if tragedy happens, and unhappy people will balance out to be unhappy again even if they win the lottery. For a long time I was mostly numb and didn’t feel happy or unhappy and that was okay with me. Now thanks to therapy I have emotions back but I’m not sure that it was a good tradeoff since now I’m sad. I’d rather be numb than sad.

I would really like to go back to my therapist for a few sessions but at $110 an hour I can’t afford it. I got full time status at my job, finally, which is fantastic – but it means that my net income dropped because I’m no longer getting paid out in lieu of benefits. I have about $60 in disposable income on each cheque. Every other cent is taken up with bills.

I’m so tired of being stressed out about money. I hate the fact that almost everyone I know is part of a couple and therefore can split expenses and have more money for savings and discretionary spending. I don’t understand how I am making more money in salary than I have at any other time in my life and yet I am the most broke now. I’m almost 35 years old and my money situation makes me feel like a failure.

I can’t even say ‘at least I have my health’ since about four months ago I did a blood test and found out I am pre-diabetic. I have been gaining weight with no reason for the past few years – exercise levels and diet haven’t changed – so I wanted to get checked out. Diabetes doesn’t run in my family so it’s yet another ‘win’ in the genetic lottery that is my body. Since weight loss is not achievable for me (or 95% of the population) I have been researching the Glycemic Index so that I can try to eat mostly on the lower end of the scale. Oh wait! I already do! I have cut out juice, potatoes, and oatmeal because those are higher GI items but I have found that I am not ready to cut out white bread. I love French bread. It is my comfort food.

I have been going to the gym three times a week too, to increase my cardio and build up my muscles. I’m very lucky that there is a good gym at my work that is free, and clean shower facilities. I go early before work, do 20-25 minutes of cardio, 20-25 minutes of strength training, and then stretch or do yoga poses for 15-20 minutes. I have been keeping track in a notebook of what I’m doing and how much so I can see my progress, and since I’m a morning person I don’t mind getting up early to do this.

I’ll go for a follow up blood test in a couple months to see if my fasting glucose level is still elevated. My doctor wants me to do another blood test at the same time, where after they take the sample of my fasting blood, I have to drink a highly sweetened drink and then they take my blood again an hour later, to see what the levels are when I dump glucose in my system. It would be great to see improvement but based on my experiences with my body so far, I’m not terribly hopeful.

The thing that sucks the most about finding out I am pre-diabetic is realizing how much I felt like I was a ‘good fatty’. I don’t judge other people for their bodies because size is determined so much by genetics and so little by what we control. It’s also none of my business if an adult wishes to eat healthy or unhealthy, or exercise or not. I don’t buy into the good fatty / bad fatty idea when it comes to other people … But after I got these results from my doctor I realized I didn’t want to tell anyone because I didn’t want to be judged. Even though I know that it is not my fault. Apparently I was only okay with being a proud fatty when I was also a healthy one. As soon as that was proven false I feel like I am yet another statistic that people can point to and say look! She’s fat and she’s getting diabetes! See? Fat causes diabetes. It doesn’t. There is correlation but no causation proved yet. And honestly, I feel like my case proves causation in the other direction. I exercised and ate healthy but I gained weight because my body cannot properly handle glucose.

Anyway.

tl/dr: My dog got hurt, I’m sad, I’m pre-diabetic.

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63 Responses to Not so idle musings

  1. slobberpuppy says:

    I’m sorry you are struggling, and I totally hear you on the financial situation. Money is a stupid thing the we place so much judgement and value around. I really wish ther was another way to deal with the acts of commerce.

    Your exercise routine is impressive! I’m very much a lazy bones, and have been trying to get real about more activity. It peaks and valleys for me, I just don’t seem to have the drive or discipline to carry out a routine of exercise.

    I hope you and Bosco are feeling well again soon!

    • Erin says:

      Thanks for the well-wishes! Honestly, if there was not the gym at my work I would not be keeping up with it nearly as well. The combination of free and convenient is what’s making it work.

    • Erin says:

      Thanks for the well-wishes! Honestly, if there was not the gym at my work I would not be keeping up with it nearly as well. The combination of free and convenient is what’s making it work.

    • Erin says:

      Thanks for the well-wishes! Honestly, if there was not the gym at my work I would not be keeping up with it nearly as well. The combination of free and convenient is what’s making it work.

    • Erin says:

      Thanks for the well-wishes! Honestly, if there was not the gym at my work I would not be keeping up with it nearly as well. The combination of free and convenient is what’s making it work.

    • Erin says:

      Thanks for the well-wishes! Honestly, if there was not the gym at my work I would not be keeping up with it nearly as well. The combination of free and convenient is what’s making it work.

    • Erin says:

      Thanks for the well-wishes! Honestly, if there was not the gym at my work I would not be keeping up with it nearly as well. The combination of free and convenient is what’s making it work.

    • Erin says:

      Thanks for the well-wishes! Honestly, if there was not the gym at my work I would not be keeping up with it nearly as well. The combination of free and convenient is what’s making it work.

    • Erin says:

      Thanks for the well-wishes! Honestly, if there was not the gym at my work I would not be keeping up with it nearly as well. The combination of free and convenient is what’s making it work.

    • Erin says:

      Thanks for the well-wishes! Honestly, if there was not the gym at my work I would not be keeping up with it nearly as well. The combination of free and convenient is what’s making it work.

  2. slobberpuppy says:

    I’m sorry you are struggling, and I totally hear you on the financial situation. Money is a stupid thing the we place so much judgement and value around. I really wish ther was another way to deal with the acts of commerce.

    Your exercise routine is impressive! I’m very much a lazy bones, and have been trying to get real about more activity. It peaks and valleys for me, I just don’t seem to have the drive or discipline to carry out a routine of exercise.

    I hope you and Bosco are feeling well again soon!

  3. slobberpuppy says:

    I’m sorry you are struggling, and I totally hear you on the financial situation. Money is a stupid thing the we place so much judgement and value around. I really wish ther was another way to deal with the acts of commerce.

    Your exercise routine is impressive! I’m very much a lazy bones, and have been trying to get real about more activity. It peaks and valleys for me, I just don’t seem to have the drive or discipline to carry out a routine of exercise.

    I hope you and Bosco are feeling well again soon!

  4. slobberpuppy says:

    I’m sorry you are struggling, and I totally hear you on the financial situation. Money is a stupid thing the we place so much judgement and value around. I really wish ther was another way to deal with the acts of commerce.

    Your exercise routine is impressive! I’m very much a lazy bones, and have been trying to get real about more activity. It peaks and valleys for me, I just don’t seem to have the drive or discipline to carry out a routine of exercise.

    I hope you and Bosco are feeling well again soon!

  5. slobberpuppy says:

    I’m sorry you are struggling, and I totally hear you on the financial situation. Money is a stupid thing the we place so much judgement and value around. I really wish ther was another way to deal with the acts of commerce.

    Your exercise routine is impressive! I’m very much a lazy bones, and have been trying to get real about more activity. It peaks and valleys for me, I just don’t seem to have the drive or discipline to carry out a routine of exercise.

    I hope you and Bosco are feeling well again soon!

  6. slobberpuppy says:

    I’m sorry you are struggling, and I totally hear you on the financial situation. Money is a stupid thing the we place so much judgement and value around. I really wish ther was another way to deal with the acts of commerce.

    Your exercise routine is impressive! I’m very much a lazy bones, and have been trying to get real about more activity. It peaks and valleys for me, I just don’t seem to have the drive or discipline to carry out a routine of exercise.

    I hope you and Bosco are feeling well again soon!

  7. slobberpuppy says:

    I’m sorry you are struggling, and I totally hear you on the financial situation. Money is a stupid thing the we place so much judgement and value around. I really wish ther was another way to deal with the acts of commerce.

    Your exercise routine is impressive! I’m very much a lazy bones, and have been trying to get real about more activity. It peaks and valleys for me, I just don’t seem to have the drive or discipline to carry out a routine of exercise.

    I hope you and Bosco are feeling well again soon!

  8. slobberpuppy says:

    I’m sorry you are struggling, and I totally hear you on the financial situation. Money is a stupid thing the we place so much judgement and value around. I really wish ther was another way to deal with the acts of commerce.

    Your exercise routine is impressive! I’m very much a lazy bones, and have been trying to get real about more activity. It peaks and valleys for me, I just don’t seem to have the drive or discipline to carry out a routine of exercise.

    I hope you and Bosco are feeling well again soon!

  9. slobberpuppy says:

    I’m sorry you are struggling, and I totally hear you on the financial situation. Money is a stupid thing the we place so much judgement and value around. I really wish ther was another way to deal with the acts of commerce.

    Your exercise routine is impressive! I’m very much a lazy bones, and have been trying to get real about more activity. It peaks and valleys for me, I just don’t seem to have the drive or discipline to carry out a routine of exercise.

    I hope you and Bosco are feeling well again soon!

  10. nutmeg3 says:

    Big ::hugs::

    The financial struggle is the worst. It just eats away at me. I make a lot of money, but I live in a hugely expensive part of the country and there’s just never enough. I drive an 11-year-old car with nearly 116,000 miles on it, and if it goes, I’m screwed. I live in total fear of that. So…no help, but lots of solidarity.

    • Erin says:

      My car is 9 years old with about 145,000 miles on it. I don’t even want to think about what happens when it kicks the bucket. Though hopefully that won’t be for awhile – it’s a Suzuki and I take good care of it. The mechanics always tell me it’s in great shape.

    • Erin says:

      My car is 9 years old with about 145,000 miles on it. I don’t even want to think about what happens when it kicks the bucket. Though hopefully that won’t be for awhile – it’s a Suzuki and I take good care of it. The mechanics always tell me it’s in great shape.

    • Erin says:

      My car is 9 years old with about 145,000 miles on it. I don’t even want to think about what happens when it kicks the bucket. Though hopefully that won’t be for awhile – it’s a Suzuki and I take good care of it. The mechanics always tell me it’s in great shape.

    • Erin says:

      My car is 9 years old with about 145,000 miles on it. I don’t even want to think about what happens when it kicks the bucket. Though hopefully that won’t be for awhile – it’s a Suzuki and I take good care of it. The mechanics always tell me it’s in great shape.

    • Erin says:

      My car is 9 years old with about 145,000 miles on it. I don’t even want to think about what happens when it kicks the bucket. Though hopefully that won’t be for awhile – it’s a Suzuki and I take good care of it. The mechanics always tell me it’s in great shape.

    • Erin says:

      My car is 9 years old with about 145,000 miles on it. I don’t even want to think about what happens when it kicks the bucket. Though hopefully that won’t be for awhile – it’s a Suzuki and I take good care of it. The mechanics always tell me it’s in great shape.

    • Erin says:

      My car is 9 years old with about 145,000 miles on it. I don’t even want to think about what happens when it kicks the bucket. Though hopefully that won’t be for awhile – it’s a Suzuki and I take good care of it. The mechanics always tell me it’s in great shape.

    • Erin says:

      My car is 9 years old with about 145,000 miles on it. I don’t even want to think about what happens when it kicks the bucket. Though hopefully that won’t be for awhile – it’s a Suzuki and I take good care of it. The mechanics always tell me it’s in great shape.

    • Erin says:

      My car is 9 years old with about 145,000 miles on it. I don’t even want to think about what happens when it kicks the bucket. Though hopefully that won’t be for awhile – it’s a Suzuki and I take good care of it. The mechanics always tell me it’s in great shape.

  11. nutmeg3 says:

    Big ::hugs::

    The financial struggle is the worst. It just eats away at me. I make a lot of money, but I live in a hugely expensive part of the country and there’s just never enough. I drive an 11-year-old car with nearly 116,000 miles on it, and if it goes, I’m screwed. I live in total fear of that. So…no help, but lots of solidarity.

  12. nutmeg3 says:

    Big ::hugs::

    The financial struggle is the worst. It just eats away at me. I make a lot of money, but I live in a hugely expensive part of the country and there’s just never enough. I drive an 11-year-old car with nearly 116,000 miles on it, and if it goes, I’m screwed. I live in total fear of that. So…no help, but lots of solidarity.

  13. nutmeg3 says:

    Big ::hugs::

    The financial struggle is the worst. It just eats away at me. I make a lot of money, but I live in a hugely expensive part of the country and there’s just never enough. I drive an 11-year-old car with nearly 116,000 miles on it, and if it goes, I’m screwed. I live in total fear of that. So…no help, but lots of solidarity.

  14. nutmeg3 says:

    Big ::hugs::

    The financial struggle is the worst. It just eats away at me. I make a lot of money, but I live in a hugely expensive part of the country and there’s just never enough. I drive an 11-year-old car with nearly 116,000 miles on it, and if it goes, I’m screwed. I live in total fear of that. So…no help, but lots of solidarity.

  15. nutmeg3 says:

    Big ::hugs::

    The financial struggle is the worst. It just eats away at me. I make a lot of money, but I live in a hugely expensive part of the country and there’s just never enough. I drive an 11-year-old car with nearly 116,000 miles on it, and if it goes, I’m screwed. I live in total fear of that. So…no help, but lots of solidarity.

  16. nutmeg3 says:

    Big ::hugs::

    The financial struggle is the worst. It just eats away at me. I make a lot of money, but I live in a hugely expensive part of the country and there’s just never enough. I drive an 11-year-old car with nearly 116,000 miles on it, and if it goes, I’m screwed. I live in total fear of that. So…no help, but lots of solidarity.

  17. nutmeg3 says:

    Big ::hugs::

    The financial struggle is the worst. It just eats away at me. I make a lot of money, but I live in a hugely expensive part of the country and there’s just never enough. I drive an 11-year-old car with nearly 116,000 miles on it, and if it goes, I’m screwed. I live in total fear of that. So…no help, but lots of solidarity.

  18. nutmeg3 says:

    Big ::hugs::

    The financial struggle is the worst. It just eats away at me. I make a lot of money, but I live in a hugely expensive part of the country and there’s just never enough. I drive an 11-year-old car with nearly 116,000 miles on it, and if it goes, I’m screwed. I live in total fear of that. So…no help, but lots of solidarity.

  19. blitzkriegx says:

    I love you and I want you to go see Nicole. Check your bank account. <3

  20. blitzkriegx says:

    I love you and I want you to go see Nicole. Check your bank account. <3

  21. blitzkriegx says:

    I love you and I want you to go see Nicole. Check your bank account. <3

  22. blitzkriegx says:

    I love you and I want you to go see Nicole. Check your bank account. <3

  23. blitzkriegx says:

    I love you and I want you to go see Nicole. Check your bank account. <3

  24. blitzkriegx says:

    I love you and I want you to go see Nicole. Check your bank account. <3

  25. blitzkriegx says:

    I love you and I want you to go see Nicole. Check your bank account. <3

  26. blitzkriegx says:

    I love you and I want you to go see Nicole. Check your bank account. <3

  27. blitzkriegx says:

    I love you and I want you to go see Nicole. Check your bank account. <3

  28. re_vised says:

    Sorry to hear about the pre-diabetes. My mom has the same thing, and struggled with it, too. It’s not your fault, and I wish you didn’t feel judge. I hate our society for things like this… Plain ignorance. :/

    I think you’re doing a super job with the exercise! I wish I could motivate myself like you have.

    Very happy Bosco is okay! How scary to be in that moment – and unfortunately I have been and know exactly how it feels.

  29. re_vised says:

    Sorry to hear about the pre-diabetes. My mom has the same thing, and struggled with it, too. It’s not your fault, and I wish you didn’t feel judge. I hate our society for things like this… Plain ignorance. :/

    I think you’re doing a super job with the exercise! I wish I could motivate myself like you have.

    Very happy Bosco is okay! How scary to be in that moment – and unfortunately I have been and know exactly how it feels.

  30. re_vised says:

    Sorry to hear about the pre-diabetes. My mom has the same thing, and struggled with it, too. It’s not your fault, and I wish you didn’t feel judge. I hate our society for things like this… Plain ignorance. :/

    I think you’re doing a super job with the exercise! I wish I could motivate myself like you have.

    Very happy Bosco is okay! How scary to be in that moment – and unfortunately I have been and know exactly how it feels.

  31. re_vised says:

    Sorry to hear about the pre-diabetes. My mom has the same thing, and struggled with it, too. It’s not your fault, and I wish you didn’t feel judge. I hate our society for things like this… Plain ignorance. :/

    I think you’re doing a super job with the exercise! I wish I could motivate myself like you have.

    Very happy Bosco is okay! How scary to be in that moment – and unfortunately I have been and know exactly how it feels.

  32. re_vised says:

    Sorry to hear about the pre-diabetes. My mom has the same thing, and struggled with it, too. It’s not your fault, and I wish you didn’t feel judge. I hate our society for things like this… Plain ignorance. :/

    I think you’re doing a super job with the exercise! I wish I could motivate myself like you have.

    Very happy Bosco is okay! How scary to be in that moment – and unfortunately I have been and know exactly how it feels.

  33. re_vised says:

    Sorry to hear about the pre-diabetes. My mom has the same thing, and struggled with it, too. It’s not your fault, and I wish you didn’t feel judge. I hate our society for things like this… Plain ignorance. :/

    I think you’re doing a super job with the exercise! I wish I could motivate myself like you have.

    Very happy Bosco is okay! How scary to be in that moment – and unfortunately I have been and know exactly how it feels.

  34. re_vised says:

    Sorry to hear about the pre-diabetes. My mom has the same thing, and struggled with it, too. It’s not your fault, and I wish you didn’t feel judge. I hate our society for things like this… Plain ignorance. :/

    I think you’re doing a super job with the exercise! I wish I could motivate myself like you have.

    Very happy Bosco is okay! How scary to be in that moment – and unfortunately I have been and know exactly how it feels.

  35. re_vised says:

    Sorry to hear about the pre-diabetes. My mom has the same thing, and struggled with it, too. It’s not your fault, and I wish you didn’t feel judge. I hate our society for things like this… Plain ignorance. :/

    I think you’re doing a super job with the exercise! I wish I could motivate myself like you have.

    Very happy Bosco is okay! How scary to be in that moment – and unfortunately I have been and know exactly how it feels.

  36. re_vised says:

    Sorry to hear about the pre-diabetes. My mom has the same thing, and struggled with it, too. It’s not your fault, and I wish you didn’t feel judge. I hate our society for things like this… Plain ignorance. :/

    I think you’re doing a super job with the exercise! I wish I could motivate myself like you have.

    Very happy Bosco is okay! How scary to be in that moment – and unfortunately I have been and know exactly how it feels.

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