I’m irritated over it for a number of reasons.

First, I don’t define myself by my relationship status or lack of it. The options were: single, touch and go, engaged, in a relationship, married, the “other one”, can’t find the right partner, single but with friends that won’t stop partying, wishes she was single, or wants to get married. Technically and legally I’m single, but that word brings so much baggage with it, especially as a woman in my 30s. I am alone and I am happy with it. Unless something drastically changes in my personality makeup, or I meet a guy who actually is perfect, I imagine I will be alone/single/unmarried etc. By choice. Because I understand who I am and what makes me happy.

Second, posting something secret that men aren’t allowed to know the code for does not help breast cancer. Donating to breast cancer research helps breast cancer. Volunteering at a fundraising event helps breast cancer. Donating your hair to be made into a wig for a woman who has lost her hair due to chemo that she had to have because she has breast cancer makes a difference. Posting something cutesy on your profile on FB does nothing. No, it’s worse than nothing because it gives people the illusion that they are involved in the cause when they are not.

Third, setting it up as a dichotomy of men versus women shows us once again that breast cancer is only an issue for a lot of men because what about the boobies?!?! As if those breasts did not have women attached to them who are beings in their own right, not just as carriers for those lumps of fat that are so appealing to straight men. And women need to save the boobies because in the patriarchy in which we live, a woman who is not sexually appealing to men has no purpose. How about the fact that on average, 100 Canadian women will die every week from breast cancer this year?*

So no. I am not posting this to my status. I am, however, taking a moment to remember my two maternal aunts who died from breast cancer before I was old enough to know them, and I am thanking whatever deity happened to be on duty that my mum did not contract the disease.

* stat from the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation website

Gay, lesbian, bi or transgendered – God loves you and you are welcome

I’m atheist but I am all about understanding and acceptance and I thought that this should be highlighted.

*I don’t know the denomination – I’ve never paid attention

“Let me put it to you this way. Rape culture is a culture in which people who have survived a violent crime are asked to laugh about it because other people think it’s funny.”—Shaker everstar, on Shakesville

Can’t get more concise than that.

The RCMP went to talk to the high school students in Maple Meadows today about child pornography and the dangers of raves and parties. No mention that they spoke about rape, or informed and enthusiastic consent, even though the students at the school that the girl attended were mostly victim-blaming when interviewed by the media.

I am drowning in rape culture today.

My body is mine. All mine.

It is my domain into which none may enter without my explicit and enthusiastic consent.

…

My sexuality is mine, and the things that attract and excite me. My desire is mine—who I want to fuck and how often, whether I want to fuck in the first place, and how. Who I want to love, and let love me.

…

My healthcare choices are my own, along with the decisions about what foods and drinks and drugs, legal and less so. How my body is best nourished is a decision that belongs to me.

…

Because I am an adult woman who fervently believes in the radical notion that my body is mine.

Excerpt from Shakesville -Feminism 101: My Body Is Mine. Go read the whole thing.

I posted that I did not think it was rape but if I were to be getting intimate with someone for the first time and came across genitalia that I was not expecting, I would be upset and it does bring up a question of informed consent to me. (To disclose, I am not interested in getting up and personal with anyone’s vagina, my own excluded.) I was called transphobic and a bigot because apparently I was making judgments as to when trans* people should disclose their status. My point was merely that since I don’t want to get up and personal with any vag, I would be startled and upset if I were suddenly to come upon one where I was not expecting it.

Thoughts? Does this make me bigoted and transphobic? I try very hard to not be either of those things, although I know how ignorant I am about trans* issues and usually keep quiet in any discussion that touches on them since I am trying to learn and not expect anyone to educate me. But I don’t see how my sexual preference for penis and not vag makes me a bigot.

The lady replies, “These starfish will die if they stay on the shore. I’m throwing them back so they can have a second chance at life.”

The little boy says, “But there are millions of starfish on this beach! You’ll never get them all…not even half! Most of them are going to die. What’s the point? It won’t matter in the long run.”

The lady picked up another starfish and threw it in before saying to the boy, “It mattered to that one.”

Rape Culture 101 at Shakesville:

Rape culture is 1 in 6 women being sexually assaulted in their lifetimes. Rape culture is not even talking about the reality that many women are sexually assaulted multiple times in their lives. Rape culture is the way in which the constant threat of sexual assault affects women’s daily movements. Rape culture is telling girls and women to be careful about what you wear, how you wear it, how you carry yourself, where you walk, when you walk there, with whom you walk, whom you trust, what you do, where you do it, with whom you do it, what you drink, how much you drink, whether you make eye contact, if you’re alone, if you’re with a stranger, if you’re in a group, if you’re in a group of strangers, if it’s dark, if the area is unfamiliar, if you’re carrying something, how you carry it, what kind of shoes you’re wearing in case you have to run, what kind of purse you carry, what jewelry you wear, what time it is, what street it is, what environment it is, how many people you sleep with, what kind of people you sleep with, who your friends are, to whom you give your number, who’s around when the delivery guy comes, to get an apartment where you can see who’s at the door before they can see you, to check before you open the door to the delivery guy, to own a dog or a dog-sound-making machine, to get a roommate, to take self-defense, to always be alert always pay attention always watch your back always be aware of your surroundings and never let your guard down for a moment lest you be sexually assaulted and if you are and didn’t follow all the rules it’s your fault.

Rape culture is victim-blaming. Rape culture is a judge blaming a child for her own rape. Rape culture is a minister blaming his child victims. Rape culture is accusing a child of enjoying being held hostage, raped, and tortured. Rape culture is spending enormous amounts of time finding any reason at all that a victim can be blamed for hir own rape.

The whole thing is amazing. 101 reading for everyone on the plant.

Over at Shapely Prose, we have a guest post from Starling: Shrodinger’s Rapist: or a guy’s guide to approaching strange women without being maced

Now, you want to become acquainted with a woman you see in public. The first thing you need to understand is that women are dealing with a set of challenges and concerns that are strange to you, a man. To begin with, we would rather not be killed or otherwise violently assaulted.

“But wait! I don’t want that, either!”

Well, no. But do you think about it all the time?

…

When you approach me in public, you are Schrödinger’s Rapist. You may or may not be a man who would commit rape. I won’t know for sure unless you start sexually assaulting me. I can’t see inside your head, and I don’t know your intentions. If you expect me to trust you—to accept you at face value as a nice sort of guy—you are not only failing to respect my reasonable caution, you are being cavalier about my personal safety.

Two interesting things about the comment thread on this one: 1 – men coming in and protesting that they enjoy having conversations with strangers and that just because women feel like their safety is being threatened, they (the men) will not be changing their behaviour. You want to see male privilege work – read this comment thread.

2 – There were a few men who commented who truly understand what it means to be an ally, and they spoke up and asked questions about how they could do even better. That is so rare that to have more than one in a comment thread over 600 long blew me away.

This post is to both bookmark these posts for myself and to share them with others. Because seriously, you need to read this stuff.