I posted that I did not think it was rape but if I were to be getting intimate with someone for the first time and came across genitalia that I was not expecting, I would be upset and it does bring up a question of informed consent to me. (To disclose, I am not interested in getting up and personal with anyone’s vagina, my own excluded.) I was called transphobic and a bigot because apparently I was making judgments as to when trans* people should disclose their status. My point was merely that since I don’t want to get up and personal with any vag, I would be startled and upset if I were suddenly to come upon one where I was not expecting it.

Thoughts? Does this make me bigoted and transphobic? I try very hard to not be either of those things, although I know how ignorant I am about trans* issues and usually keep quiet in any discussion that touches on them since I am trying to learn and not expect anyone to educate me. But I don’t see how my sexual preference for penis and not vag makes me a bigot.

The lady replies, “These starfish will die if they stay on the shore. I’m throwing them back so they can have a second chance at life.”

The little boy says, “But there are millions of starfish on this beach! You’ll never get them all…not even half! Most of them are going to die. What’s the point? It won’t matter in the long run.”

The lady picked up another starfish and threw it in before saying to the boy, “It mattered to that one.”

Rape Culture 101 at Shakesville:

Rape culture is 1 in 6 women being sexually assaulted in their lifetimes. Rape culture is not even talking about the reality that many women are sexually assaulted multiple times in their lives. Rape culture is the way in which the constant threat of sexual assault affects women’s daily movements. Rape culture is telling girls and women to be careful about what you wear, how you wear it, how you carry yourself, where you walk, when you walk there, with whom you walk, whom you trust, what you do, where you do it, with whom you do it, what you drink, how much you drink, whether you make eye contact, if you’re alone, if you’re with a stranger, if you’re in a group, if you’re in a group of strangers, if it’s dark, if the area is unfamiliar, if you’re carrying something, how you carry it, what kind of shoes you’re wearing in case you have to run, what kind of purse you carry, what jewelry you wear, what time it is, what street it is, what environment it is, how many people you sleep with, what kind of people you sleep with, who your friends are, to whom you give your number, who’s around when the delivery guy comes, to get an apartment where you can see who’s at the door before they can see you, to check before you open the door to the delivery guy, to own a dog or a dog-sound-making machine, to get a roommate, to take self-defense, to always be alert always pay attention always watch your back always be aware of your surroundings and never let your guard down for a moment lest you be sexually assaulted and if you are and didn’t follow all the rules it’s your fault.

Rape culture is victim-blaming. Rape culture is a judge blaming a child for her own rape. Rape culture is a minister blaming his child victims. Rape culture is accusing a child of enjoying being held hostage, raped, and tortured. Rape culture is spending enormous amounts of time finding any reason at all that a victim can be blamed for hir own rape.

The whole thing is amazing. 101 reading for everyone on the plant.

Over at Shapely Prose, we have a guest post from Starling: Shrodinger’s Rapist: or a guy’s guide to approaching strange women without being maced

Now, you want to become acquainted with a woman you see in public. The first thing you need to understand is that women are dealing with a set of challenges and concerns that are strange to you, a man. To begin with, we would rather not be killed or otherwise violently assaulted.

“But wait! I don’t want that, either!”

Well, no. But do you think about it all the time?

…

When you approach me in public, you are Schrödinger’s Rapist. You may or may not be a man who would commit rape. I won’t know for sure unless you start sexually assaulting me. I can’t see inside your head, and I don’t know your intentions. If you expect me to trust you—to accept you at face value as a nice sort of guy—you are not only failing to respect my reasonable caution, you are being cavalier about my personal safety.

Two interesting things about the comment thread on this one: 1 – men coming in and protesting that they enjoy having conversations with strangers and that just because women feel like their safety is being threatened, they (the men) will not be changing their behaviour. You want to see male privilege work – read this comment thread.

2 – There were a few men who commented who truly understand what it means to be an ally, and they spoke up and asked questions about how they could do even better. That is so rare that to have more than one in a comment thread over 600 long blew me away.

This post is to both bookmark these posts for myself and to share them with others. Because seriously, you need to read this stuff.

I’m reflecting on this after the weekend I just spent camping with a few people I used to know quite well, a few more that I knew casually but have not seen in months if not years, a few people I did not know at all before the weekend, and one person whom I would call a friend. I have come home from that camping trip with a desire to get to know a few people better (although I’m not sure how realistic that is) and the desire to not have to spend even one second in the company of a few others. And that’s okay – I do not have to befriend the world. Although I do tend to give people the benefit of the doubt in regards to their actions, I do not have to waste any time finding out if I was correct or not. I can close the door to that person or persons and chalk it up to different beliefs, different ways of viewing the world, different ways of expressing oneself.

I’m proud of myself for going, because it showed me that I have come a long way since last year in regards to my anxiety. But I think I will probably not go again, unless it is with a much smaller group comprised of only those with whom I feel at least some connection. It’s stressful to deal with people one does not want to deal with, and with everything else that is causing me stress at the moment, wasting even one second thinking about people whom I do not wish to interact with is a waste of time and resources.

Feminism is what has helped show me that I do not have to appease the world at the expense of myself. Here are my boundaries.

There are a million ways to try to make a woman shut up. And they’ve all been used on me. Now suddenly I’ve been given the gift of those who are willing to listen and I barely know where to start. I’d like to start with what’s done the most damage for me: Those “grey” areas of rape and sexual assault, that fog of misogynistic cultural narratives that is so “harmless.” These are the real and serious effects of all that stuff everybody is always telling us is so trifling, that we’re just “looking for things to get angry” over.

…

So if I’m always wrong anyway, why bother? And I stopped bothering. And I was ripe for the picking. And it’s a color that so many men know how to see, and for which so few can resist reaching once they see it.

…

I’ve never been raped… but.

Go read the whole thing here.

Dear [Erin],

Thank you for contacting United Airlines Customer Relations Department. I am sorry that it was necessary to apply our current seating policy. Effective April 15, 2009, for the comfort of all of our guests aboard United flights, we decided to align with other major airlines in adopting a seating policy relating to guests who are unable to: fit into a single seat; properly buckle the seatbelt using a single seatbelt extender; and put the seat’s armrests down when seated.

Our policy is that any guest ticketed on a United or United Express flight and unable to meet one or more of these criteria must either purchase a ticket for an additional seat, or purchase a ticket for an upgrade to a cabin with seats that eliminate the seating issues. The seat purchase or upgrade must be completed for each leg of the itinerary. If a customer meeting any one of the described criteria chooses not to upgrade or purchase a ticket for an additional seat, he or she will be denied boarding. Further details about the purchase of an additional seat can be found at United.com.

Please understand that we sincerely care about the comfort and well-being of all of our guests and have implemented this policy with best intentions, to help ensure that everyone’s travel experiences with United are safe and pleasant

Regards,

Miguel Santiago
United Airlines Customer Relations

I could not leave it at that, so this is my email back:

Dear Mr Santiago,

Thank you for your response. However, based on the email I received from you, I feel that your company has failed to see the discrimination that this policy enacts. The Canadian Transport Agency ruled in Canada that one-person, one-fare was the only non-discriminatory policy. This means that if a person requires two seats, the second seat must be provided free of charge. In fact, the Canadian Transport Agency “estimates the new policy will cost Air Canada about $6.93 million a year, and WestJet about $1.48 million a year. That amounts to about 77 Canadian cents a ticket for Air Canada and 44 Canadian cents for WestJet.” (source) A small price for everyone to pay that allows every person to be treated with respect and dignity, no matter their size or needs.

This leaves me no choice but to see your policy as one of discrimination against fat people, especially women as they are the ones most likely to have wider hips and therefore not be able to put the armrest down. I have noted that you have no such policy regarding people with shoulders that extend beyond a certain width, who would also be protruding into the seat next to them. Such a policy would affect men more than women, as men tend to have broader shoulders – does such an example make the discrimination clearer?

Again, I will be boycotting your company, and any other company that follows such a discriminatory policy. In these economic times, I would have thought that companies would be doing everything they could to keep loyalty of customers – United has chosen to take the opposite path and for that, I choose to no longer be one of your customers.

Sincerely,

[Erin]

I do not expect them to reverse the policy – after all, it took a ruling in Canada that forced our airlines to adopt a one-person, one-fare policy. But in a capitalist society, the best way I can show my displeasure is with my wallet, and I want them to know exactly why they are losing my dollars.

This article shows the proposed high speed rail system around the US, and it looks like the Pacific Northwest section extends up to Vancouver. This underlines my point about keeping loyal customers, as there will soon be an alternative to flying, and one that I will be glad to make use of.

My email to United:

I flew a few times last year with United, and I was really happy with your “Economy Plus” option. I was still waiting for knee surgery and having that bit of extra leg room made the flights more pain-free for me. I would gladly have made you my airline of choice when flying in the US (I’m a Canadian).

However, because of your new policy of charging fatter people extra, you will not be receiving one single penny of my money in future. My shape means that this rule would never apply to me, but I’ll be damned if I knowingly support any business that is so blatantly discriminatory.

Oh, and I believe your spokeswoman Robin Urbanski said that this policy is being put in place because of the 700 complaints your airline received last year. I fully expect you to be keeping track of how many customers are making the same choice as myself to boycott your company, and when that number reaches 700 you will remove this policy. Or, you know, you could do the decent thing all on your own and simply decide not to discriminate. Your choice, United.

I asked for a response from them. I will be highly surprised if I actually get one.

And thank maude for Canada, who ruled that anything other than one-person, one-fare is discriminatory. From that link:

[The Canadian Transportation Agency] estimates the new policy will cost Air Canada about $6.93 million a year, and WestJet about $1.48 million a year. That amounts to about 77 Canadian cents a ticket for Air Canada and 44 Canadian cents for WestJet.

Not exactly breaking the bank, or causing undo hardship to the people purchasing the tickets. In fact, it’s a pretty small cost to pay for no discrimination.

But what happened to you wasn’t really rape: it was just that time when a guy fucked you and you didn’t want him to. Rape only happens between strangers; rape only happens when you say no; rape only happens when you say no enough; rape is what happens when you physically fight back, and give him a chance to physically beat the shit out of you or kill you in addition to raping you. Rape only ever happens these ways, we tell ourselves, because that’s how we are able to tell ourselves that rape hardly ever happens.

Go read the whole thing here.

And then read the Shakesville Survivor Thread and realize that rape happens much more than we admit.

Women’s basic human right to not have our bodies violated means so little that movies such as Observe and Report can use rape as a way for cheap laughs.

I, for one, am not laughing.